March Monthly Newsletter

Transfiguration of Our Lord

THE WEEK AT REFORMATION

Sunday: 9:30 a.m. Service of Holy Communion

Sunday: 9:30 a.m. Facebook Live Service of the Word

Wednesday: 10 a.m. Morning Eucharist with Imposition of Ashes followed by Prayer Ministry

Wednesday: 7 p.m. Ash Wednesday – Service of Holy Communion with Imposition of Ashes

Dear people of God at Reformation:

Remember that you are dust and to dust you shall return.

With this stark reminder, accompanied by the smearing of ash in the form of a cross on our foreheads, we begin the Lenten season. In this season, the Church calls us to the keeping of  particular disciplines – prayer, fasting, and almsgiving. The thought is not to begin some new thing. Each of these is intended to be a regular and ongoing part of Christian living.

But we are humans, given to forgetting. We tend to neglect spiritual practices. We don’t take time to sit in the presence of God, giving thanks for God’s gifts and seeking God’s help in time of need (prayer). We become easily centered on and consumed by our various hungers. We forget to take time to consider the difference between our wants and our needs, letting go of things that distract us from living as God calls us to live (fasting). We gather more than we need, neglecting to share all we could for the sake of the neighbor (almsgiving).

Lent presents us with the opportunity to focus intentionally on these things. If these are supposed to be normal and regular activities connected to Christian living, then Lent can be said to be a time of resetting, of getting back to normal.

Rather than thinking about what we might “give up” this year, maybe we would be better served to consider how we might add more of one or all of these disciples into our daily practice of being Christians in the world.

I can’t think of a better way for us to keep a holy Lent together.

Grace, mercy, and peace be with you, from God our Father, through Jesus Christ our Lord.

Pastor Matt

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS BEGINS AT 2:00 A.M. ON SUNDAY, MARCH 13^th  – SPRING AHEAD – DON’T FORGET TO TURN YOUR CLOCKS AHEAD 1 HOUR BEFORE YOU GO TO BED ON SATURDAY, MARCH 12^th!!

Look for the Lily and Tulip order form next week for our Easter Altar – we are waiting for the prices from Van Brunt Florist and they are waiting to hear from their distributor.

Pray with the whole church each day at noon!

www.facebook.com/njsynodelca

www.njsynod.org/virtual-church-resources

WE PRAY FOR:

Norma Beaty, Robert Coles, Connie, Edward Bale, Margaret Dix, Linda Eikner, Jan Erwin, Rosemary Howell, Royce Howell, Jonathan, Michael, Rose, Lisa & family, Trina, Inger LaManna, Heather Lombardo, Dan Nilsson, Beth Nilsson, Jeff Reis, Peter Repak, Myra Reyes, Penny Shermer, Diane Smith, Ella Smith, Pastor C. Paul Strockbine, Brian Valentino, Georgie Zweig

PRAYER LIST UPDATE: If you have someone in need of prayers, please let us know via either Pastor Matt or the church office and we will be sure to add them to our list above. If you have good news to share on recovery of anyone on our prayer list, please let the office or Pastor Matt know. We’ll gladly share the good news!!

WORSHIP MATTERS

As this month’s Messenger is published, we are about to enter into Lent, and so we thought it would be good to share our current plans for Lenten Worship and Study opportunities, and for keeping Holy Week and Easter Sunday.

Ash Wednesday is March 2. We will have two services – 10 AM and 7 PM. The evening service will be livestreamed as our Sunday morning services continue to be, but, of course, ashes cannot be imposed through cyberspace, so I hope you will consider attending in person.

Our Wednesday Evening Prayer and Study, a group that has met virtually following Evening Prayer most Wednesday evenings throughout the past couple of years, will continue our practice of studying the middle reading from each week’s lectionary following the livestreamed evening prayer service. If you would like to participate, and don’t have our dialpad meetings link, send a request to LCRWLB@gmail.com and we’ll be glad to forward it to you.

Looking ahead to Holy Week, here’s our planned schedule:

On Wednesday, April 13, at 7 PM, we will sing ELW Evening Prayer with the addition of praying The Stations of the Cross. This will be a livestream service.

On Maundy Thursday, April 14, at 7 PM, we will meet in person for a traditional Maundy Thursday Service. This will also be streamed live on Facebook.

On Good Friday, April 15, we will hold two in person services – at 12 Noon and 7 PM. The evening service will be streamed live on Facebook. This service includes the Solemn Reproaches, the reading of the Passion according to St. John, traditional bidding prayers, and unveiling of the cross.

On Saturday, April 16, beginning at 7:30 PM, as the sun is setting, we will gather in person for an Easter Vigil including the lighting of the Paschal Candle, singing the Easter Proclamation, a service of readings with songs and psalms, a remembrance and affirmation of Baptism, and a service of the word and prayer, including the first hearing of the Easter Gospel and the first Eucharist of Easter. We will forgo the champaign reception that normally follows this gathering.

On Easter Sunday morning, April 17, at 9:30 AM, we will meet in person for a Festival Service of the Word and Prayer for Easter. This will be livestreamed from the sanctuary.

PICTURES

Family Church this past Sunday

SYNOD ASSEMBLY

The NJ Synod Assembly is May 6 and 7 this year.  All congregations of the NJ Synod meet yearly to make decisions on important issues affecting the church and the world. They vote for new Synod council representatives and vote on other initiatives.  Each congregation is requested to send 2 adult voting members (one male and one female) and 1 under 30 voting member to represent them at this meeting.  This year the meeting will again be held virtually.

We are looking for members willing to represent Reformation at the Synod Assembly. If you think you might be interested, please reach out to Pastor Matt and he can give you more information. 

Scout Sabbath 2022 at Reformation

On March 6, the first Sunday in Lent, we will spend some time considering connections between scouting and the Christian faith. We will also include an opportunity for parents to present Scout Sunday patches, or other faith-related Badges, to their scouts. Those involved in scouting who would like to participate are invited to join us in worship that Sunday. Invite your scouting friends to come celebrate with us.

FINANCE

Our finance reports are delayed as we continue the transition of our treasurer and the banking information. Look for our reports in next month’s messenger. Our attendance between in-person and online worship remains in and around 70-75 on average.

CONFIRMATION CLASS SCHEDULE

Confirmation classes will resume in March, however, as has been repeated many times, whether classes are in session or not, from September through May, confirmands are expected to worship at least twice each month. They are also expected to complete at least 2 sermon response forms each month from September through May.

The calendar for the upcoming semester is as follows:

3-6: Parent’s Meeting / The Creed – Article 1

3-13: The Creed – Articles 2 and 3

3-20: The Lord’s Prayer Pt 1

3-27: The Lord’s Prayer Pt 2

4-3: The Sacraments Pt 1 (Baptism)

4-10: No Class / Passion Sunday

4-16: The Great Vigil of Easter –       Who will be in town?

How will you participate?

4-17: No Class / Easter Sunday

4-24: No Class

5-1: The Sacraments Pt 2 (Baptism and Confession / Holy Communion)

5-8: The Sacraments Pt 3 (Holy Communion)

5-15: Daily Prayer and Assigning Parts for Confirmation Service

5-22: Banner Making

5-29: No Class / Memorial Day weekend

6-5: Confirmation Service / Pentecost Sunday

40 DAYS OF GIVING DURING LENT

SOCIAL MINISTRY AND CHRISTIAN EDUCATION

WITH SUNDAY CHURCH SCHOOL PAJAMA DAY 2022

The Sunday School is pleased to partner with the Social Ministry Committee in their upcoming “40 Days of Caring” pajama collection. The pajama collection was initiated several years ago by the Sunday School as a one day event but this year it is being expanded to last throughout the Lenten Season. New pajamas will be collected during the 40 days of Lent (all sizes) and donated to our Clothes Closet. On the second Sunday in Lent, March 13, our students will have the opportunity to wear their pajamas to Sunday School to promote this project. There will be bins in the gathering area to collect your donations.

Since September, the Sunday School has assisted Social Ministry in other ways as well. In September we created “Welcome to Your New Home” greeting cards for the baskets that were given to Habitat for Humanity families. In addition, we showed our support for their Bread for the World letter writing campaign in October by creating “End Hunger Now” messages and drawings on paper plates. Most recently, Sunday School students and staff participated in a skit to promote this year’s Souper Bowl of Caring and we collected noisy offerings on the day of the event. 

After all, at Reformation we believe in Praising God and Serving Others.

Byron Griffin, Cathy Soya  

SECRETARY SEARCH COMMITTEE ANNOUNCEMENT

With the announcement of Debbie’s plans to retire effective June 1 of this year, we have begun our search for our next Church Secretary. The following is the ad we are placing to begin the process. We are seeking to hire someone from outside of the congregation. If you know of someone who has appropriate skills who might be interested, please share this with them.

Church Secretary Position Available

The Lutheran Church of the Reformation in West Long Branch is searching for a confidential Church Secretary to join the team.  The Church Secretary works closely with the Pastor and other members of the congregation on various administrative functions including scheduling, ordering of materials, processing of mail, responding to phone calls, and sending out informational emails.  This is a part-time position of 25 hours per week ($15 to $17 / hour) with the ability to create a flexible schedule.  Please submit resumes to LCRWLB@gmail.com.

FOOD PANTRY/CLOTHES CLOSET NEWS!

We are excited to announce the food pantry has finally been able to completely move out of the clothes closet!! While the pantry has seen our numbers begin to climb in the last month or so, we are confident we can run the pantry without overflow into the clothes closet. We are now averaging about 80-90 families per week which is still almost double what we were doing pre-pandemic. Fulfill, the Food Bank of Monmouth and Ocean Counties has been able to provide us with just about everything we need, however, we find we are in need of a couple of items they don’t currently have: bottles of juice, canned vegetables (anything but green beans!), dried beans (especially black beans), and canned beans (anything but baked beans!)

We are in need of grocery size plastic bags. Please help us stock up before they go away!  We could also use grocery size paper bags.

The clothes closet will be will open 3/5 in the Sunday School wing but then will be moving back into the clothes closet building for the spring season and opening on 4/2.

Remember: No clothes donations until 3/14 when the clothes closet will begin accepting spring and summer clothing only.

STOP AND SHOP AND THEIR GIVING PROGRAM Welcome to the Bloomin’ 4 Good Program! A Program to Benefit Reformation Community Food Pantry Let’s Fight Hunger Together. One Bouquet at a Time.   We are thrilled to share the Bloomin’ 4 Good Program, an innovative program from Stop & Shop that works to fight hunger in our local communities. In this program, every $10.99 Bloomin’ 4 Good Bouquet sold sends a $1 donation to a hunger organization local to the store in which it was purchased.  For the month of April 2022, Reformation Community Food Pantry has been selected to receive a $1 donation for every $10.99 Bloomin’ 4 Good Bouquet with the red circle sticker (pictured below) sold at the store located at 150 West End Court, Long Branch NJ.

COOKIES FOR OUR COLLEGE STUDENTS!!

As we have done the last several years, we would like to send cookies to our college students to let them know we are thinking of them and to “help” them through finals week!  Our Evangelism team is looking for folks to bake a batch of your favorite cookies! NO NUTS please! Look for more details during March including dates for packing and shipping the cookies. Parents: We need the addresses of your college students please!!!

THRIVENT CHOICE DOLLARS

Have you donated your choice dollars yet? Don’t wait until the last minute!  Only 1 weeks left to designate your choice dollars!! One way Thrivent gives back is based on your product with them where you can earn “Choice Dollars”. These dollars can then be donated to the charity of your choice (i.e. Reformation!).  Your account is credited with these “Choice Dollars” every quarter and they need to be donated by March 1^st of the following year. You can go in and donate the dollars quarterly or once a year but please donate them!! If you don’t donate them, they will go away. Thrivent will donate them to a charity on their list. They must donate a percentage of their profit to the community to maintain their non-profit status. Need help? Ask Debbie Keszler or Sue Homza!!

ANNA BEATY SCHOLARSHIP

Anna was the Superintendent of our Sunday Church School for 60 years and to honor her memory the Anna Beaty Scholarship was established.  This scholarship is for graduating Lutheran (ELCA) high school seniors and current undergraduate college students who have attended the Lutheran Church of the Reformation’s Sunday Church School and who have applied to and eventually will be accepted at an accredited university or college for their undergraduate degree or are currently pursuing a post-secondary education at an accredited university or college for their undergraduate degree. The application is on the next page of this messenger or email the church office at reformationwlb@gmail.com for a copy.  DEADLINE FOR ALL APPLICATIONS IS APRIL 15^TH

The Anna M. Beaty Scholarship

This scholarship application is for graduating Lutheran (ELCA) high school seniors and current undergraduate college students who have attended the Lutheran Church of the Reformation’s Sunday Church School and who have applied to and eventually will be accepted at an accredited university or college for their undergraduate degree or are currently pursuing a post-secondary education at an accredited university or college for their undergraduate degree.

Name____________________________________________________    Date__________________________

Address__________________________________________________________________________________

Telephone no.______________  cell______________  e-mail address _______________________________

Current school________________________________________________ Year of study________________

Describe your activity in the Sunday Church School as a student/ helper/ teacher: ___________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

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Describe other activities in church: __________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

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Describe other activities in the community: ___________________________________________________

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Describe your future vocational plans: _______________________________________________________

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Do you have a college in mind? / Have you applied? / Have you been accepted? _____________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

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Do you have a declared major?  ____________________________________________________________

Why is this scholarship important to you? ____________________________________________________

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STANDING COMMITTEES AND THEIR CHAIRS

Property: Sue Homza with Alicia Willemsen as liaison

Christian Education: Cathy Soya and Byron Griffin with Kelly Dopazo and Alicia Willemsen as liaisons

            *Looking for a coordinator for Sunday Church School

Endowment: Stephen Bray with Ron Appleton as liaison

Evangelism: Bob Clarke and Fran Fieltsch with Julia Homza and Kat Krassner as liaisons

*Fellowship: Looking for a coordinator for this committee

Finance: Ron Appleton with Charles Brady as liaison

Social Ministry: Kat Krassner and Fran Fieltsch with Julia Homza and Alicia Willemsen as liaisons

Stewardship: Barbara Denegar and Fran Fieltsch

Worship & Music: Need a chair person; Julia Homza liaison

*Fellowship is NOT listed as a standing committee in the bylaws of our constitution but is an important committee and is

therefore listed.

FELLOWSHIP TEAM

The Fellowship team is looking for a coordinator – someone to coordinate a few events a year with other committees. The job would entail creating signup sheets, creating flyers and/or notices for the messengers on upcoming events such as the end of the school year picnic, rally day, dinner church, and maybe one or two more throughout the year.

Then, on the day of the event, coordinating the setup of the great room and the cleanup after (both of which can be done via the same signup sheet as the food signup!) Edie & Debbie will gladly give you all our flyers/signup sheets/and tips!!

PARISH NURSING

Should You Play Along with Dementia Patients’ Realities?

Carol Bradley Bursack, Minding Our Elders   |   Updated March 31, 2021

It was not unlike any other day, but on this particular afternoon Dad was adamant. He was waiting for his medical degree from the University of Minnesota and couldn’t understand why it was taking so long to arrive. So, I did what I usually did—waited a few days to see if this episode of delusional thinking would pass. It did not.

So, I used my computer to create a facsimile of a medical degree with my father’s name on it. I printed it out, scribbled some “signatures” on the bottom, put it in a mailing envelope and brought it to the nursing home the following day. He was delighted.

I added it to the other awards and degrees already hanging on the wall of his room: a “degree” in entomology, his legitimate college degree, some other earned awards, and an “award” for helping direct Lawrence Welk’s band (another of his delusions). This wall was cluttered with both real and fake accomplishments, but I knew I would need to find room for more. Dad’s broken brain would tell him he had earned something else and eventually I would need to produce it.

My father had attended medical school at the University of Minnesota decades earlier, but he never finished his studies. He took some time off to be an archaeologist and then World War II broke out. During maneuvers in the Mojave Desert, Dad had passed out from the heat, hitting his head against the baked desert floor and sustaining a closed head injury. He was in a coma for months and had to relearn how to walk and talk. Fortunately, his rehabilitation was successful. He stayed in the army until the war ended but was kept stateside and trained as a sanitarian.

Eventually, Dad became the director of sanitation for the city of Fargo, N.D., raised a family and, like so many returning soldiers, went back to school. However, this time he studied public health instead of medicine. He attended classes at night and worked during the day. I remember going to his college graduation when I was 14 years old. Dad continued taking any graduate classes that would help his career or simply because they interested him. Education had always been important to him and he became very successful in his field.

As Dad aged, fluid started building up behind the scar tissue in his brain. He underwent surgery to drain the fluid and prevent cognitive issues, but it backfired. He came out of the procedure in a severe stage of dementia and bonded with a voice in his head that we came to call Herman. That was when reality changed for all of us.

My father could no longer care for himself, so he moved to a wonderful nursing home a block from my house. Everyone in the family wanted to help him, but I was the only one who could really communicate with Dad and see to his unusual requests.

Essentially, I became an office manager of sorts. I brought him his brief case, created a graphic letterhead for him, and made his business cards. I took dictation, mailed letters, “received” letters, and, of course, ensured that all the degrees and awards he was expecting arrived on time.

Although he wasn’t able to remember much, Dad could recall attending medical school at the U of M. So, why wouldn’t he have his Doctor of Medicine degree? He watched The Lawrence Welk Show on public television regularly, and I even bought him a conducting baton because he wanted to direct the band. He should certainly have an award for that, right?

Should You Agree With Dementia Patients’ Delusions?

One day, a couple of years into this saga, a psychiatrist caught wind of what I was doing. He chewed me out royally. He was adamant that I was supposed to ground Dad and bring him back to reality. My purpose was to correct and redirect him. In this doctor’s eyes, I had no business playing along with a dementia patient’s delusions.

Hogwash, I thought. I knew my father was no longer capable of meeting me in my version of “reality,” and I refused to torture him by trying to force the impossible. If I argued that he was delusional, he would feel degraded and disrespected. This doctor’s reasoning made no sense to me. I still had my brain, so why couldn’t I put Dad’s anxiety to rest by joining him in his reality?

The funny thing is, a few years later, a different psychiatrist came into Dad’s room and was admiring his wall of achievements.

“I didn’t know he was a doctor,” he remarked to one of the nurses.

“He’s not,” the nurse said with a grin. She explained my secretarial duties, which caused the psychiatrist to burst out laughing.

Later, he approached me and asked where I had learned my technique for coping with dementia-related delusions.

“I’m his daughter,” I replied. That’s all I needed to cope.

Eventually, I learned that there is an actual theory about this approach to interacting with dementia patients called “validation therapy.” It still makes me smile that I didn’t need a fancy theory to figure out what improved Dad’s quality of life. I merely relied on love and patience to guide me. Yes, there were times when I would try to explain “true” reality to him, but I chose my battles wisely.

For example, I found out the hard way that I had to keep him from watching the news on TV, because he would insist that the war going on (there’s always fighting happening somewhere) was taking place in our town. Initially, I would encourage him to look out the window in his room and see that that wasn’t true. But, he was certain there was a warzone right outside and felt belittled when I tried to calm and correct him. That’s the thing about delusions—no matter what you do or say, you can’t talk a dementia patient out of them. However, I certainly did not egg him on or write him off by saying, “Sure, Dad, there’s a war outside and we’re all in danger.” There is tact involved in all aspects of communicating when a loved one has dementia, regardless of the approach you take.

Many dementia caregivers wonder, “Should you correct someone with dementia?” The truth is that there’s no easy answer to this question. There is a difficult middle ground in dementia care that caregivers must usually find through trial and error. When Dad was upset about the “war” outside, I would merely play along and try to convince him that we were in a “safe zone,” so to speak. If that explanation did not take, I would calmly say, “I’m sorry you can’t believe me, but I promise we are okay here. We’ll talk about it another time.” He would usually latch onto these scarier delusions when he was having a particularly bad day. As with most things in dementia care, we just had to ride it out together the best we could.

If a particular delusion did not cause him to feel threatened or upset, I resorted to just agreeing with him. It didn’t hurt anyone that he thought he was helping plan the new zoo in Fargo, including finding an elephant for one of their exhibits. It kept him busy and helped him feel useful. What did it matter that he decided he needed to study Grey’s Anatomy and Robert’s Rules of Order? These books were easy enough to find and readily available for purchase.

My point is this: Dad’s reality was as real to him as mine is to me. Why should I, a person who supposedly has all her faculties, make his life miserable by continually telling him he is wrong? Going with the flow was not hurting anyone else, and it was making Dad’s life with dementia a little more bearable.

It is certainly a personal choice to make if you are the family caregiver for a loved one who is living with Alzheimer’s disease or another related dementia. It seems to be a simple solution to allow a patient to persist in their own reality, as long as it is safe and does not pose any harm to them or others. Perhaps it is no different than allowing a child to dream of what they want to be when they grow up or pretend that they are a firefighting hero or a prima ballerina.

There is no cure for this progressive, debilitating disease. I don’t see any harm in validating their desires and concerns and playing along now and then throughout their final years. The other alternative often involves conflict, distrust, tension and hurt feelings. Why wouldn’t I do what little I could to help my father feel some sort of purpose, peace, comfort and accomplishment? I am his daughter. He would have done the same for me.

Carol Bradley Bursack, Minding Our Elders

• People with Alzheimer’s disease and other types of dementia often come to live in an altered reality that doesn’t mesh with ours. As a senior’s condition progresses, their memory becomes garbled and they may struggle to maintain their senses of time and place. While their hallucinations and delusions may not make any sense to us, their perceptions are very real to them. Dealing with this stark contrast can be very frustrating for family caregivers, but there are ways of coping. Determining what is behind a loved one’s feelings and joining them in their world is often the kindest, most respectful way to handle the beliefs and perceptions that their broken brain creates.
• Sadly, this is a tough concept for many adult children and spouses of those with dementia to absorb. Most people initially react to off-the-wall remarks by repeatedly refuting or correcting dementia patients. Years ago, this approach called “reality orientation” was widely accepted, but the problem is that a person’s cognitive abilities like rational thinking and short-term memory must still be somewhat intact for reorientation to be successful. Otherwise, they aren’t capable of understanding and/or retaining facts about their surroundings.
• Dementia patients slowly lose these abilities as the disease progresses and can become agitated or upset when their concept of reality is challenged over and over again. Thanks to the work of a woman who pioneered dementia care, jarring reality orientation techniques gave way to the gentler practice of validation in dementia care.
• Naomi Feil, MSW, ACSW, was born in Munich in 1932. She grew up in the Montefiore Home for the Aged in Cleveland, Ohio, where her father was the administrator and her mother was the head of the social service department.
• Feil earned her master’s degree in social work from Columbia University in New York and then began her own career working with the elderly. Throughout the 1960s and 1970s, Feil grew increasingly dissatisfied with the traditional methods used to interact with severely disoriented elders, so she developed a new technique aimed at acknowledging and accepting their irrational perceptions of reality.
• Her first book, Validation: The Feil Method, was published in 1982 and her second book, The Validation Breakthrough, was released in 1993. Although validation was slow to catch on with medical practitioners, by the mid-nineties Feil’s method began to gain popularity. Since then, her technique has gradually become accepted by most geriatricians, geriatric psychiatrists, social workers, nurses, professional caregivers and other health care providers as a crucial tool in dementia care.
• My personal approach is not “Validation Therapy” with a capital “V” as Feil practiced it. Rather, is an offshoot of Feil’s understanding that reorientation may not only be fruitless in the advanced stages of dementia, but it can also be upsetting and even demeaning to our loved ones who are struggling to make sense of their surroundings. Validation in the way that I’m presenting it can work well for most family caregivers. It’s easier when we remember that no one can thrive when they are continually told that they are wrong.
• I personally witnessed this transition of medical thought as I struggled to care for my father after he developed dementia as a result of a botched brain surgery.
• My family was completely caught off-guard by this new development and we initially just tried to muddle through. I quickly found that the only way to help Dad relax and retain any sense of self-esteem was to agree with him no matter how deluded his thinking became.
• I agreed with the “fact” that he’d earned his medical degree, even though a reality check would show that WWII had interrupted his studies and prevented him from realizing this dream. I even went so far as to create a faux medical diploma to hang on the wall of his room at the nursing home, which helped for a while.
• Then he became convinced that he had received an invitation from Lawrence Welk to be a guest conductor on the TV show, which, of course, was airing as reruns on PBS since Welk was long deceased.
• I bought Dad a conductor’s wand and numerous big band CDs to play in a stereo. He was thrilled to watch The Lawrence Welk Show reruns, merrily directing the band whenever he felt up to it. I made him a certificate of thanks from Welk for Dad’s “services” and hung that on his wall as well.
• And on it went. What I did was try to determine what emotions were behind Dad’s behaviors and then help him in whatever way made sense. Sometimes, that meant reminiscing together about a person, place or event so I could get a better idea of what he was feeling. Other times, it simply meant joining in with what he thought was right.
• I knew nothing about dementia during these early years, but I did know my dad. I could not put this intelligent, well-read man through the horror of correcting his thinking daily when he was no longer able to comprehend why he was wrong. I knew that I needed to transport myself into his world, which was instinctive to me, perhaps because I’m a rather whimsical person by nature.
• Years later, I learned that there is a word for my embracing Dad’s altered realities: validation. Different forms of validation are now accepted by most clinicians as a practical way of interacting with people who have dementia. Validating a loved one’s perceptions and emotions helps reduce stress, improve communication, boost self-esteem and infuse dignity into dementia care. It increases a sense of happiness for people living with dementia because they aren’t continually being told that they are wrong and confused by truths that they cannot fully understand.
• The idea of validation stems from an empathetic attitude toward our loved ones and a holistic view of them as individuals. We learn to effectively validate their thoughts and experiences by making ourselves see the world through their eyes.
• Understandably, my mother had a difficult time validating Dad’s altered beliefs about himself and the world. This was the man to whom she’d been married for over half a century. She felt that she was being disrespectful when she placated him by agreeing with his delusions.
• I understood why she had trouble joining her husband in his world. But, I also witnessed the agitation and emotional pain Dad went through as Mom valiantly tried to make him rejoin reality when he simply couldn’t. She eventually gave up and tried to “play along,” but she was never very convincing. I can’t fault her for that, though. Some of us just don’t have it in our nature to be dishonest or misleading, even if it may be in our loved one’s best interest.
• Some of us have been told by our parents or spouses to never treat them like children when they get old. No one believes more than I do that treating an elder like a child is unacceptable. There is, however, a big difference between raising and educating a child and validating an elder who has dementia.
• Most children are able to learn and grow intellectually and emotionally. As they gain experience, they gradually understand more and more about people and the world around them. Therefore, gently correcting a child is our job as parents who strive to help them develop and become well-adjusted.
• The reverse is true of someone who has dementia. These individuals gradually lose their ability to understand the world as others see it and interact with it appropriately. Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia change how the brain works and processes information, creating warped perceptions that seniors cannot distinguish from “true” reality. This is just one way that caring for our elders is different from caring for children.
• If we, as dementia caregivers, continually “correct” their thinking, we are chipping away at any self-esteem they have managed to retain throughout the course of this disease. A caregiver’s commitment to honesty and accuracy often comes from a good place, but it can be demeaning, even cruel, for an aging loved one to endure.
• Validation is not about treating someone as a child. It’s about respecting a person with dementia and how they see the world. It’s about overcoming our own need to be “right.” It’s about infusing our elder’s last years with dignity by accepting that maybe there is more than one way to look at things.
• Yes, there are certainly times when validation doesn’t work, so we lean on other non-pharmaceutical interventions for dementia like redirection and distraction.
• “No, Dad, you can’t drive right now because I misplaced the keys. Let’s go see if there’s some music playing on TV.”
• “No, Mom, there isn’t a war happening here in town. That is going on far away from us and we’re safe. Let’s turn off the news and check if there are any birds at the feeder in the backyard.”
• “I’m sorry you’re seeing bugs crawling on your bedroom walls. That must be very upsetting. I’ll call the exterminator and we can go have a cup of tea in the living room while we wait for them to arrive.”
• Dementia presents countless challenges that call for stellar patience, adaptability and every tool at our disposal. It may seem backwards at first, but validating your loved one rather than correcting them is life-enhancing for both of you. These white “lies” are an expression of kindness and respect that will help them feel heard and prevent you from starting unnecessary arguments you will never win.